It was about 3 years ago. I still remember it as if it was last night though. Thankfully it wasn’t.
I won’t bore you with details of how I met her but I’d like to add just one thing. I had met her years before this. Back then she was incredibly hot but we were both in relationships and never had the chance. Enough with all that. Here’s the story:
I should’ve known things weren’t going to be good when I had to pick her up at her work. Why you ask? Think about it. She didn’t get a chance to get ready. Or shower. Those things are important. You’ll see why further in the story.
So, I waited for her for half an hour as she finished her work. It was pointless to figure out ways of getting out of it. That didn’t stop me from considering it though.
If you noticed earlier in the story I said she was hot “back then”. Yeah. She wasn’t so hot anymore. My fiance and I had just broken up and I was holding on to my long lasting crush that had faded years back. I was determined to fuck this chick. I don’t know. Maybe I was trying to relive the past. Whatever it was, it was retarded. Back to the story.
After she finished work I followed her to her house so we could take one car and she could “freshen up” Looking back now, I should’ve thrown her in the shower. More on that later.
We spent way too much time at her house looking at random shit. Her place was a complete disaster. I’m not the neatest person in the world but she put a 13 year old boy to shame. I was ready for a drink. Or three.
The plan was drinks and billiards. Not too special but I did it for a reason. So I could drink and not give 100% of my attention to her. Classy.
When we got there things weren’t going too bad. I had hope. The chances were high for me getting laid.
We ordered our drinks and started talking about random shit. Perfect. I could tolerate random shit. I had just gotten out of a 3-year relationship a few weeks before and there was still a whole in my heart. Dating seemed weird. On top of that, she had met my ex a few times so wasn’t a complete stranger.
A few drinks and games go by. Time for a smoke. When we’re outside we talk about more random shit. I’m vaguely paying attention when I hear her say she was having so much fun and that she hasn’t had a good date in a while. My attention was caught. She then proceeded to tell me that “for whatever reason, she doesn’t go on second dates.” Why? “The guys don’t ask her out again.” Red fucking flag. I laugh it off to myself. “Why the fuck did she just tell me that?” I ask myself. Too logical of a question.
More drinks, more games. We go back inside and she begins to get flirty with me. Getting closer. And then comes the cliché of her wanting me to “teach” her how to use the pool stick. Admittedly, I welcomed the flirtation. Thought it was kind of cute and hot in an innocent sort of way. She definitely used her butt to feel things, if you know what I mean.
Then the question I was hoping wouldn’t be asked, was asked. “So why did you and your fiance break up?” Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Idiot. Ladies, never, ever, ever, ever ask this question on a first date. Or at all for that matter. Who cares and why are you making him (me) think of another girl instead of you. Let alone another girl that he loved/liked. Just a dumb fucking question to ask. I don’t remember what my answer was but it was short and simple. I moved on to another topic.
That right there began the steady decline of shittiness that would be the rest of the date. I hurried my actions. Drank my last drink and asked for the bill within 10 minutes of her asking me that. Side note: the waitress was incredibly cute.
She wanted to go back to my place. Fuck. Alright. Let’s fuck her and take her home. Sounded like a good plan. Not calling her after we had sex sounded like a better plan.
We get to my place. She heads straight to the bedroom. Good lord lady, I get the hint. Unfortunately for her, desperation is a huge turn off for me. She lays on my bed. I leave the room. She followed. Good. I sit on the couch. She sits on the floor in between my legs asking for a “massage.” I get the hint.
I begin massaging her as I keep an eye on the time. She takes off her sweater and lowers her bra straps. I keep looking at the time. After a while of actually massaging her I get bored. I massage lower on her chest. No complaints. I go lower. Nothing. Boobs. She moans. Chances of getting laid are 100%. We kiss.
This goes on for a little while. I move towards her pants. Unbutton her jeans and make my way to her special place. More touching occurs. I notice a smell. I immediately stop for a second. What the fuck is that? It passes. I continue. Why? I’m a glutton for punishment.
She turns to face me. Playing with my man parts. The smell is still in the back f my mind. I feel her butt. Not bad. I play with her lower lady part from behind. The smell pops up. I pull my hand out to check if I’m accidentally fingering her asshole. There’s no poo on my fingers. Still, what the fuck is that smell. I stop fingering her and go back to massaging her. She falls asleep on my dick. The smell is more constant. It’s time for her to leave.
She awakes from me standing up. I tell her it’s getting really late and it’s time for me to take her home. She seems confused. I make my way to the door before she asks any questions.
We’re in the car driving. I look at the clock. It’s after 3am. She holds my hand as I drive. This annoys me. We’re not close enough for hand holding. Desperation is a major turn off. The date is almost over. So I thought.
We get to her place and of course there’s no parking. She urges me to park in the red zone. It’s late, I figured no one will notice if I’m here for 5 minutes. I should’ve known better.
She asks me to come in. Her final desperate attempt to have sex. I say ok, with the thought I would say goodnight at the door. She pulls me in. Why can’t I leave? More kissing. She brings me to her room. I tell her it’s late and I should leave. Just fucking leave, man. She grabs my hand and makes small talk. Shows me the dead butterflies in frames on her wall. I half expected Wild Bill to pop out of the corner. She kisses me some more. The smell is embedded in my nostrils. I look at the clock. It’s past 4am. Fuck. It’s time to go. I tell her I had a great time and that I’ll call her soon. She looks forward to another date. I smile awkwardly.
I’m finally out of her apartment. The date is over. I get back to my car to find a present from parking enforcement. $75 on top of everything else for a shitty date. I get it. I didn’t need any more hints that it was the worst ever.
Driving back I felt free. There was no way in hell I was doing that again. On the freeway I get a text from her saying that was the best date she’d been on in a while. Red flag, again. I told her I had fun. She wants to do it again. Soon. I tell her I’ll call her.
There’s no way in hell I was doing that again.